I Didn't Raise Her Like This!

So, we've been dealing with some issues with our teen - the usual moodiness, sure, but lately it has become much more serious. She already got through the worst of it - middle school - or so we thought. Those middle school years were a roller coaster to say the least, full of sullen eye rolling, barely coherent grunts in lieu of actual speech, and endless reinventions of style and hair colors.

As parents, and as Gen-Xers, we knew this phase was part of the process as we still had not so fond memories of it ourselves - so we allowed the experimentation from teal to orange to black to blond hair and baggy clothes to boy clothes. We suffered through the moods, understanding that in a couple years, it would get better - and it did - for a while. Looking back, those years were a delicate dance of giving her space to explore her identity while trying to maintain some semblance of parental guidance.

High School started out good - our teen had a few friends, had settled on a more reasonable style, and felt more in her element. There were a few bumps in the road with boys and friends as there always are, but usually she'd have her feelings about it and then it would be over and gone within a day or two. That seemed normal to me - I know, there's really no normal for teens, but in a relative sense....you get what I mean. We breathed a sigh of relief, thinking we'd navigated the most challenging years of parenting a teenager.

She got her first serious boyfriend around her Junior year and seemed happy for a while but unfortunately they both had histories of depression and even though they were very close, after a year or so, their emotional roller coaster became too much and my daughter knew it needed to end for her own mental wellbeing. Little did she realize, the break wouldn't be clean and it would lead to a crazy whirlwind for all of us.

Her ex is a social person and his friends took it upon themselves to bash her all over social media (cringe - the bane of existence as far as I'm concerned for teens) as well as in school. She heard snickers when she went to class, she lost their mutual friends - they all sided with him. She went into a spiral as a result. This time, she didn't come out of it. The suicidal thoughts came, we watched her in shifts 24-7, we practically had her therapist and psychiatrist on call constantly.

She downplayed things when talking to them but with us she was a mess. We are thankful, by the way, that she feels like she can talk to us about things and I may have a post on why I think that is at another time. As parents, we felt both powerless and terrified. Every parent fears those moments when their child is struggling, and we were living through our worst nightmare. We - as parents - were and still are - at a loss of what to do, but we got her into multiple therapy sessions, and realized she needed more intensive therapy - so we searched and found an intensive program for her to do after school.

Even though she has a new boyfriend, who is kind and generous, she cannot forget about her ex. We found out they were talking again despite promising not to and that she was not as innocent in the whole situation as we had been led to believe. She can't leave him alone and says she doesn't know why - in every way he's wrong for her but he's her first love and she can't let go. She won't leave him alone. I keep getting calls and messages from her ex's mom. It's serious. Perhaps her spirals of anguish are laced with a good helping of guilt as well? The trouble with parenting is that you only hear their side of it and you want to believe it - you want to believe that you're hearing the WHOLE truth. But in reality you're hearing what they want you to hear. Not lying, exactly, but a sort of subtle manipulation - I hate using that word, but it's true.

I didn't raise her to be like this - she's always been respectful and reasonable. She's an A student in all AP classes and is looking to get into some great colleges. Why on earth would she behave like this? We can't help but wonder what did we do wrong? This isn't the daughter we thought we knew.

The complexity of teenage emotions is something no parenting book can fully prepare you for. One moment you think you understand your kid, and the next, they're a complete mystery. We've been trying to understand where things went wrong.

I keep thinking about why some kids end up going against their upbringing despite their parents' best attempts to do their best by them. Is it hormones? Psychological development? The intense emotional landscape of first love? Or something deeper - a need to rebel, to find their own identity separate from their parents? We've always tried to be open, supportive, understanding. We gave her space when she needed it, stepped in when we saw her struggling, tried to balance guidance with respect for her growing independence.

As we continue to support our daughter through this difficult time, we hold onto hope. Hope that this is just a phase, hope that she'll find her way back to the responsible, kind person we know she is at her core. Parenting doesn't come with a manual, and each child is unique. All we can do is love unconditionally, provide support, and trust that the foundation we've built will ultimately guide her through this challenging time.